Being Understood

Effective Communication Practices for 2008

Over the past few weeks, I've read nearly a dozen books on leadership, communication and change as I prepare to lead two new workshops. My creative process seems to demand that I read up on the subject, just to make sure I haven't missed some new and breathtaking idea that will render my current knowledge obsolete. Though I discovered nothing that will rearrange life as I know it, I did spot a pattern that seems to lead to success.

A few key behaviours seem to improve our communication as leaders, as change agents and as human beings.

Real Conversation - Part 2

Here's Part 2 of the condensed version of the arguments supporting giving face-to-face communication more attention. They are extracted from Real Conversation - the most powerful business tool your organization will ever use, my presentation at the recent Ragan Corporate Communications Conference.

Brain scientists speak: "Humans have to talk!"

Developments in neuroscience are showing us that conversation has tangible physical effects on us as human beings.

In an era where people are paid to think, it’s probably no coincidence that there’s a lot of research examining how our brains work. Using new tools, graduate students everywhere are hooking folks up to functional MRIs to see which parts of their brains light up when they do or think about various things.

There’s evidence that we’re genetically “hardwired” to communicate face-to-face. Moreover, we actually need the company of other humans. It keeps us human.

Real Conversation - Part 1

Earlier this month, I spoke at the excellent Ragan Corporate Communications Conference, in Chicago.  My topic? Real Conversation - the most powerful business tool your organization will ever use. 

One of the topics I tackled was how to convince leaders and managers to pay closer attention to conversation in the workplace. People found it useful, so I thought I'd share it with my regular readers. So here - in two installments - is the Reader's Digest version of that section of my talk.

Making the Case for Face-To-Face

OK. Here we are, face-to-face, because that’s the way human beings were meant to communicate. We’re here to have a conversation about conversation. More precisely, we’ll discuss ways to get authentic, productive, valuable, human conversations going on in our organizations, instead of the same old bla bla bla – or worse – silence. It’s a quest organizations have been on for a long time.

I recently read a story from the 1950s. Before he founded WL Gore & Associates and started making GoreTex, Bill Gore, worked for chemical giant DuPont. He observed that there were only two places at work he ever heard a meaningful conversation. One was on task forces, where people have a clear and important short term purpose. The other was the car pool. In the car, everyone was equal, everyone was smart and the conversations were brilliant. Unfortunately, when they reached the parking lot, everyone straightened their ties, put on their work faces, stepped into the hierarchy and - conversation over.

Something to honk about

I've always believed I could learn from anyone. But a bird? Teaching me? About leadership communication?

In recent weeks, the skies around me have been filled with migrating Canada Geese. I've never been interested in these critters, unless I had to chase one off the bow of my little sailboat or scrape their droppings off my shoes after an evening walk.

But coasting along the highway, I had a chance to watch them in action as hundreds headed northward.

Geese travel in a distinctive V shape. One goose's flapping wings create an uplift for the one that follows. Apparently, that arrangement allows the flock to travel 71 per cent further than one bird could travel on its own. For the geese, this is instinct at work, yet it's as if each trusts the other geese as well as the V formation to get them to their destination. As leaders, we start a process where the group understands and agrees on the goal and the route to get there. When we emphasize the interrelatedness of individual contributions, people see where their work fits into the whole and where other people's work supports them.

Geese take turns leading. This is amazing to watch. When the lead goose has had enough, it drops back and someone else takes over. Sharing leadership helps the group go further. Using individual strengths strengthens the whole team. Leading can be hard; give yourself a chance to recover.

Geese honk to encourage each other. This may be unconscious for geese,  sound modified by the speed of their flapping wings. But we can do it consciously. Honk! Think how marvellous it would be if all the honking we heard was encouraging. As leaders, when we practice supportive honking, we inspire others to do the same.

Geese merge their Vs without a fuss. It's fascinating to watch a five-goose V join a larger group. From the ground, we can't tell if they discuss leaping on board, but they just seem to forget that they're they "new guys" and fall in. Could we use that as a model for avoiding the "them" and "us" feelings that accompany mergers, reorganizations, or even interdepartmental transfers?

Stray geese rejoin the flock quickly. If you watch one goose stray out of the formation, you'll see it gradually work its way back to the flock. The extra effort required to go it alone isn't worth it. Is there a lesson in this? "Conform or die?" I think not. As leaders, we can create environments where original thinkers and creative people are encouraged to move from the margins of our organizations and are included in our discussions. These are places where people express their authentic ideas, not just the ones they think we want to hear.

Geese stick by each other. If a goose is ill, injured, or shot, two others will leave the V formation and stay with it until it dies or is able to fly again. Then they catch up with another group. That's why you'll sometimes see two or three geese, in a cluster, flapping like mad.  When we provide genuine support to people when things are rough, we build connection and mutual commitment that lasts into the good times.

So now I'm wondering where we ever got the idea that geese are silly? Sounds pretty smart, to me. I also wonder if I'll remember all this wonderful stuff the next time I'm scraping goose poop off my shoes. Honk! Honk! Honk!

Leadership Lit

In the past few months (make that years) I've read everything I can on the topic of leadership. Several bifocal prescriptions later, I know qualify for guru status.

Ostensibly, I'm gathering information that can help my clients. And I'm doing research for my own book. But mostly, I'm hunting for the elusive key that will unlock the mysteries I face daily in being a leader myself.

As I stand before the great wall of leadership titles at my local Chapters store, I wonder if there is anything more to be said on the topic.

There are books that will show us how to lead from the back, the middle or the front. They'll teach us how to lead like Jesus, Einstein, Colin Powell, Billy Graham, Attila the Hun, or even Harry Potter. Authors share their laws of leadership and secrets of success, which (oddly?) always appear in uneven numbers. Unless there are 10. Speaking of numbers, these titles tell us to run our business by the numbers - or not to take the numbers too seriously, depending on the author. Some of them wisely tell us not to take ourselves too seriously.

My reading has led me to the following conclusions:

• I lead from where I am. Back, middle, front, top, or bottom - it really doesn't matter. Your location in the organizational hierarchy or political pecking order is unimportant. Lead from where you are, even if it's the garage.
• I lead like myself. I'll bet you noticed you're not Einstein or Harry Potter. You have to find the leadership style that fits you. And you can. There is no secret formula. All those who dispense leadership advice, including me, can do no more than spark your imagination and point you in a direction for experimentation. Watch yourself in action. See what works. Change what doesn't. Here's where Einstein comes in. He's the one who said doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity.
  
• There is one law of leadership: Treat people like people. Respect their humanity. Demonstrate empathy.  Acknowledge their contribution. If we treat people as "resources," just raw materials in the corporate success mix, they will know it. I used to work for an executive who barely knew who I was, let alone what I did. I felt I was indistinguishable from the photocopier and made weekly updates to my résumé. His successor asked my opinions, took my advice, shared his dreams, knew mine, and made me feel honoured to be part of his organization. For the first man, I worked hard. For the second, I worked well.
• There is a corollary to the one law: Show them you're human, too. Acknowledge your own imperfections. I know a man whose motto is "Flaunt your quirks." That may be further than most of us are willing to go. But showing your own humanity is attractive. We're working with smart people. They know we're not perfect. Why pretend to have all the answers? A willingness to be vulnerable can be disarming.
  
• I lead myself before I lead others. The days when "Do as I say not as I do" was an effective leadership tactic ended before we were born. We don't need to be perfect, yet we do need to be awake and aware of our behaviours and our interactions.
• Taking myself seriously will make me crazy and wreck my business. Seriously, we have to lighten up. Take your business seriously. Take your relationships seriously. Take the hockey playoffs seriously (if you must). But take yourself seriously and, next thing you know, you're on the nasty path to self-absorption, listening to ego, and losing your focus.  Plus people will hide when they see you coming.

So what's my point? Maybe what the business press calls "leadership" is really better described as "interpersonal effectiveness." Leadership is no longer about getting people to line up behind you, follow you up the hill like good soldiers, and obey your commands. Leadership today means aligning diverse people to work on common projects to meet individual needs that may or may not overlap. As individuals, interacting with and relating to other individuals, we determine the outcome.

Field work: Notice. In your interactions with people, observe your habits. Do you really see them as people? Do you let them see you that way?

Communicating bad news

I had the good fortune this week to be interviewed for an article about how supervisors can communicate bad news.  As a manager, I've done a bit of this, and I've certainly been on the receiving end.  As a consultant, I've advised others communicating organizational changes that could be seen as bad news.  As a PR student, I've done cases and simulations where we've closed plants, dealt with explosions and industrial accidents, and fired the CEO.  But I did most of this before I learned about emotional intelligence.

In answering this reporter's questions, I saw the situation through a filter of emotions.  As a result, I think recognizing and discussing the emotional component makes communicating less of an ordeal.

Bad news brings out emotions, your own and other people's.  The feelings that emerge, sadness, fear, and anger, are the most uncomfortable of our emotional repertoire.  Generations of humans have not learned to deal well with these particular feelings.  As children, when they  show up, we're urged by well-meaning adults to "cheer up," "be brave," and "calm down."  (One EQ trainer I've worked with likes to quote an old family saying, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!")  So we learn to suppress, change or hide these "bad" feelings, rather than understand them and use the information they contain.

Emotional hijack
But humans are emotional beings and we don't stop being human when we get to work.  Like it or not, feelings are going to come up, sometimes in unexpected ways.  The thinking part of our brain (the neo-cortex) functions poorly when we're in the grip of emotion.  The "fight or flight" portion of our brain (the amygdala) has control.  (Emotional intelligence theory labels this "emotional hijack.")

So when you're delivering bad news to employees (or anyone else) you need to be sensitive to the emotions.  Logic, alone, won't work.  People aren't thinking clearly; their brains won't let them.

Good grief!
When bad news hits, a person goes through a process that's similar to the grieving process. The intensity will vary with the individual and the situation - "No bonus this year" is a lot less intense than "The plant is closing."  But a form of grieving takes place whenever there is change.  In her studies of grief, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross observed five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

As a manager communicating news that will mean a big change for your employees, you can expect them to experience these feelings and behaviours as they try to process the information andwork through their feelings.  Only after they work through the first four will they get to acceptance.

• Denial:  Employees believe the news isn't true or won't affect them.  Help them by providing information.
• Anger:  Employees feel wronged and may want to retaliate. Tears may signify the frustration of unexpressed anger, not sadness.  Help by listening and finding ways they can redirect their energy towards something useful.
• Bargaining:  Employees will try to make deals to prevent the unwanted event. Guard against encouraging false hopes.
• Depression:  If employees exhibit signs of depression, listen and empathize - and encourage them to take advantage of any counselling available.
• Acceptance:  It may take time for employees to reach this stage.  Help throughout the process by making yourself available to talk about the feelings and the facts of the situation.

Since most people are unaccustomed to discussing their feelings, especially at work, you'll probably have to "go first" when it comes to sharing feelings.  Admit that you're uncomfortable but you recognize that there are feelings associated with the news and they are as important as the facts.  Invite employees to talk about how they feel.  Chances are good that if you talk as one human to another, rather than defending the decision or just stating the facts, you'll build trust as you move forward. 

The other 93%

"I just get home and then I leave again." That's one of the lines in Diana Krall's song, Departure Bay.  I guess that's the story of her life. In recent months, it's the story of mine. I just got back from Washington, DC, and I'm heading off to the UK tonight. The turnaround was shortened because of a thunderstorm that closed Dulles Airport on the eve of the Canada Day/Fourth Of July weekend. I know it's not very fashionable to say nice things about airlines, but the people at Air Canada were helpful and creative - and up to the challenge of getting me moving again.

So back to the music. Though not in Diana's league, I'm heading out tonight for a few weeks of singing in Italy. Folks think that's a bit of a switch from the DC communication conference and its focus on business communication. I don't see it that way. It's ALL communication. When you work on a song, the words are important - yet they're not the whole story. Movement, inflection, pacing, volume, pauses, rhythm all add to the context and help the audience understand the story.

These elements of non-verbal communication are critical in expressing the meaning of your communication. Studies dating back to the 1960s research of Dr. Albert Mehrabian suggest that, particularly when there is an emotional component to the communication, just 7% of a message is conveyed by our words. Tone accounts for 38%. Body language fills in the other 55%.

This is shocking news. If we think about anything in our spoken communication - and that's not a given - we'll give thought to our words. The rest just happens. 

In the music workshops I'm attending, we spend a lot of energy and time thinking about the 93% of communication that is beyond words.  We dig into our emotions - joys, fears, anger, sadness - to mine the nuggets of feeling that will make our characters and our stories come alive in our songs so we can really touch the audience. 

As communicators outside the world of music, these techniques help us be better understood, be better at influencing others, and be conveyors of the whole story.

+++++

It's likely to be three weeks before I'm near a computer again.  I'll have lots of thoughts on my return. In the mean time - the homework is awareness. What IS your body language saying. What DOES your tone convey?

Cheers - Sue

The Call to Adventure

A few months ago, I bumped into a statistic suggesting that more than 80 per cent of North American drivers think they are better than average.  Hmmmmm. Do the math.

This impossible belief seems to apply to communication, too. How many resumes have you seen that claim "excellent communication skills" among the list of awesome attributes? If everyone who claimed to be a good communicator actually was one, would "poor communication" be one of the big employee dissatisfiers that show up in exit interviews? Not likely.

Good communication is the workplace skill people seem to need the most yet demonstrate the least. How does that happen? I think it's because the communication profession is missing a huge opportunity. Few of us do anything to promote interpersonal communication.

The reasons are many: tradition, the narrow confines of our job descriptions, our bosses' and clients' urgent needs, habit, competing priorities, the intangibility of interpersonal communication, and [insert your favourite excuse here]. Organizations lack a sense of what great face-to-face communication looks like, so it's hard to measure and reward.

Meanwhile, professional communicators are up to their eyeballs in artefacts. Publications, memos, marketing material, financial reports and executive edicts receive lots of attention and billions in funding. Corporate communication departments, advertising agencies, public relations firms, and consultants spend huge amounts of time and energy developing plans, programs, strategies, tools and tactics to help organizations communicate with customers, shareholders, employees, regulatory agencies and the public. IT departments, manufacturers, service providers, and armies of techno-folk are hooking us up with faster, cleaner, more reliable computing and telephone communication devices. But when it comes to face-to-face communication - which still makes up the bulk of daily communication in business - people scarcely give it a thought.

Humans are "hard wired" to send and receive messages face-to-face, yet nobody really teaches us how to do this type of communication well. They teach us other stuff, like declining verbs and using punctuation, saying "please" and "thank you," and not talking with food in our mouths. Sometimes they teach us to converse in foreign languages, in classes with names like "French Conversation." But who receives formal lessons in how to conduct meaningful conversation in our own language?

Conversation is something the world just expects us to know. Not studied, not measured, and not well-understood, face-to-face communication is something that, if not quite an unconscious act, seldom receives much thought.

What would happen if everyone gave conscious consideration to their face-to-face communication? The results could be very beneficial to us, as individuals, and to the world.

Making a shift to conscious communication is something we can do that improves both work and life. Are you willing to try it?

Today's homework: Be aware of your communication. You don't really have to do anything differently (though this may happen as you become aware).  Be aware of how you communicate and how that communication is received. Log it in your journal, if you're so inclined.

We can start the conscious communication revolution just by paying attention. How cool is that?