Being Understood

Who are you?

For the past few weeks, I've been dancing around with an idea presented by my friend Donna Karlin, the Shadow Coach and founder of A Better Perspective. The idea sits in front of my nose in 36-point type.

“People become who they might be when they let go of who they are.”

In my own struggle to let go, my heart leaps and pirouettes with vivid energy, excited by the possibility of discovering and becoming who I might be. My head takes steps rehearsed and perfected through decades of practice designed to keep me as I am. I promise you, this dance is not a sexy tango; it's more like a barroom brawl.

Brain scientists suggest the desire to change, however sincere or necessary, collides with the human brain’s natural aversion to change. That ancient “fight or flight” mechanism takes over when events, feelings or thoughts don’t match the old patterns. That primitive part of our brain interprets this as “danger” and renders us temporarily incapable of rational thought. It fills our head with worry, anxiety and other nonsense and our bodies with cortisol, adrenaline and who knows what other forms of crap and corruption. So we don’t change.

Two years ago, I thought I had changed forever and for good, for once and for all. I was invited to contribute a chapter to a book about women and power. In writing it, I determined that I had found my real self and was, henceforth, going to be that. My chapter, posted here, Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear, describes the emergence of Susanna, my bolder, greater, less inhibited alter ego. She is the creature I was meant to be. It's a good story. It aims to help others discover their own inner Susanna, and I occasionally hear from people who've been touched by it or inspired to find their own true selves.

Eclectic and Enigmatic - the Women's Show

"So how was the Women's Show?" curious friends asked me. "Well," was my cautious answer, "I'm not sure what to make of it."

Talk about life!
It was fun.  No question there.  Very little lights me up more than talking to people about their lives and their work.  Women of all ages stopped by to pick up a fortune cookie and laugh at my bad joke: "Your fortunes improve when you work with a coach!" (Just because it's true, doesn't make it any less corny.)

Many who stopped by agreed to do the "Life Wheel," sharing how satisfied they are with eight major dimensions of life. The result of that conversation is a  "snapshot" of their situation and, often, some insight about  where they might want to do some work.  "It's not that I didn't sense this," said one of our booth visitors, "But I didn't really see how out of balance things are."

Mini Trends
I noticed some patterns that weren't surprising.

Many of the people who reported that they aren't having much fun in life also report concerns about their health. And vice versa. That mind/body connection is clearly at work.

There seemed to be a similar relationship between satisfaction with one's financial situation and the personal growth dimension. Those who are yearning for more of one, tend also to be yearning for more of the other.

The people visiting the show on Saturday were more likely to rate their satisfaction with career as a 7 or 8 out of a possible 10.  The Sunday folk tended, on average, to be around 5.  Theories anyone?  Perhaps people who just jump in and do things, whether it's work or play, just have a better time.

The other interesting thing was that some of the people who visited the booth actually knew what life and business coaching is and wanted to come and talk about it.  (It didn't hurt that the business section of the Saturday newspaper featured an article on how coaching isn't just for executives anymore. )

Theme: More of everything
As for the rest of the show, anyone looking for a pattern was left confused.  Booths around us included local colleges, the police department, cosmetics of all sorts, belly dancing, armed forces recruiting, fitness clubs, chiropractors, sewing machines, handbags, aromatherapy, mutual funds, real estate - in a word, "eclectic."  The only conclusion I drew is that women are interested in everything - like that's news to anyone? 

What’s with this coaching business?

On Saturday and Sunday, I’ll be one of an estimated five gazillion women - and fourteen men - who’ll be at the National Women’s Show (www.nationalwomenshow.com) at the Ottawa Congress Centre. I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ll have a chair when I need it.

Six of us, flying the banner of the Ottawa Coaches, are hosting a booth located just where the Business & Career section merges with Minding Your Body. It’s a perfect spot, because we’re all about looking after yourself - in work and in life.

Our mission is to talk to people about coaching – who we coach, how we coach, what to expect and what you can achieve working with a coach. Each of us has a different specialty. There’s a retirement coach, a parenting coach, a work/life balance coach, a leadership coach, a communication coach (me) and a get-off-the-sofa-and-live-your-life-now coach.

As we put the booth together today, I was impressed by how quickly six very diverse strangers had worked so quickly and smoothly on this project. We had, not surprisingly, taken a coach approach to the task.

Regardless of the type of people we work with, or the type of goals our clients have, at the heart of our work are some fundamental steps that look something like this:

Clarify your intention

You have to know what you want or you can’t do a thing about it. For the Women’s Show, our intention is to raise community awareness of coaching and its benefits. We want an attractive and professional presence with opportunities for interaction. And we want to create an environment where people feel comfortable asking for a sample session, with the appropriate coach, after the show is over. Getting dozens of clients to sign up on the spot is not the intention. This is about waking up a potential market.

Examine the situation

At the Women’s Show, we’ll bump into a lot of people who might benefit from and can afford coaching yet know little about it. But evidence suggests they won’t be beating a path to our booth to learn about it. The show will be noisy and crowded and people will be in a hurry to get their free food samples, catch the decorating demos, or have their eyebrows (or whatever) shaped. There’s no way we can do coaching at the booth. But we can get them to come and talk with us if we give them a reason.

Gather resources

Because someone already had a huge box of them from another event, we’re giving out fortune cookies. Did you know your fortune improves when you work with a coach? A big Wheel Of Life chart has escaped from some other purpose to spark in-booth discussions – and we’ve created smaller versions people can fill out while they wait in the inevitable line-ups. Banners, easels, tables all manifested as if by magic as we assessed what we had and compared it with what we needed. Assuming I remember to pick up the balloons in the morning, it’s a fine looking booth. (Only my lovely readers will know that we didn’t hire a booth designer to make an impression.) The beauty of this step is that, whatever the goal, if you look carefully, you’re likely to discover you already have the resources to do it.

Take action

Moving from planning to action is the place where both fun and fear lie. Taking action is pretty much the only way we’re ever going to get results or have anything to celebrate. Yet fear – often fear of what others will think of us – can stop us from taking steps that will get us where we want to be. “To become involved is to reduce your fear,” Susan Jeffers writes in “Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.” So I’m involved.

Get results

Getting results follows doing something as night follows day. It may not be the result you intended, or even the result you want. That’s when you revisit the earlier steps, using the knowledge you gained on this round. One of my favourite business quotes comes from Thomas Watson, founder of IBM, “If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.” 

Celebrate

Eventually, you’ll get a result you want, which may not be the one you intended. At minimum, you’ll learn something useful. Either way, it’s something to celebrate. Just what the six of us will be celebrating after our trade show outing is hard to say.  Stay tuned.

What Does "Greatness" Mean?

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them."  (Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, Act II, Scene V)

Greatness.  What a concept.  It's not something we ponder every day.  At least, I don't.  Make that didn't.  Two recent events dragged greatness into my awareness.  First, I was invited to contribute to a book called, Become Your Own Great And Powerful: A Woman's Guide To Leading Your Real, Big Life.  There was that great word, right in the title, waiting to be explored, understood, and written about.  Second, I began the process of coach certification.  Hanging about with coaches, you seldom go for more than an hour without hearing that word.  You need to "elecit your client's greatness," which, perhaps not surprisingly, you do by "coming from your own greatness."  Apparently it takes greatness to know greatness. 

You might say greatness was thrust upon me.  Clearly, I needed to understand what this concept of personal greatness is all about.  What a great opportunity.

Our Conditioning
Find the word "great" in a dictionary and you'll get many references to size.  It's derived from and Old English word meaning "thick" or "coarse," neither of which strike me as being particularly great.  Over time, like the word "magnitude" it has come to mean more than "large" and is imbued with attributes of significance and superiority.

In childhood, it was definitely not cool to entertain the idea that there might be something great about oneself.  I, and maybe you, learned from peers that to be boastful or "stuck-up" was close to the worst thing in the entire universe.  "She thinks she's so great," was definitely not a compliment. Trying to fit in and be accepted, our active little egos squashed any efforts by our greater selves to be seen in the world.  For many of us, they still do.

That can leave us with a yearning to be more and better that's at odds with a long-established habit of limiting our own reach.  In trying to understand why some of us choose to play small rather than go for it all, I see a kind of modesty that doesn't really serve us well.  It may not even be genuine.  True humility is not self-conscious; it's unconscious.  A colleague recently suggested that when we are consciously being humble our ego is in the driver's seat, trying to control how we appear to others.  When we're concerned with others' approval, who's really steering?

Our True Selves
I'm starting to understand greatness as being directed by your true self, not some version of yourself that comes from outside you.  I'm not advocating anarchy, impulsiveness or life as an outlaw.  Far from it.  I'm hoping to unleash that "spark of the divine" in us all. Explore what, by your inner standards, gives you a sense of real peace, real accomplishment, real purpose.  It's a way of being that looks at your world and says, "This is possible - and it brings me to life." 

Greatness is living fully, using the interests, intellect, spirit and talents you were born with in ways that inspire you.  Greatness is not about saving the world, though that might happen if we all lived that way. 

The first thing you have to do is regognize that you have greatness - current, potential, and possible greatness.  We're quick to point out our flaws, failings, weaknesses, and warts.  But ask us about our strengths and we're speechless.  We need to rewrite the stories we tell ourselves all day long, those movies running in an endless loop in our heads. 

These new stories will include the great things our true selves are and do and will continue to be and do.  And I would suggest we write those stories down, though we may be their only reader.  The act of writing can make the stories seem as real as they are, by getting them into the body and onto the page.  Burn the stories, publish them, save them, read them - it doesn't matter.  The point is to create them, see them, believe them, and live them.

Isn't it time to tell yourself the story of your greatness?

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If you're interested in the book project that inspired this column, follow these links to find the book, Become Your Own Great And Powerful: A Woman's Guide To Leading Your Real, Big Life and a recording of a radio interview with our editor, Barbara Bellissimo, about writing and publishing a collaborative book.

Communicating bad news

I had the good fortune this week to be interviewed for an article about how supervisors can communicate bad news.  As a manager, I've done a bit of this, and I've certainly been on the receiving end.  As a consultant, I've advised others communicating organizational changes that could be seen as bad news.  As a PR student, I've done cases and simulations where we've closed plants, dealt with explosions and industrial accidents, and fired the CEO.  But I did most of this before I learned about emotional intelligence.

In answering this reporter's questions, I saw the situation through a filter of emotions.  As a result, I think recognizing and discussing the emotional component makes communicating less of an ordeal.

Bad news brings out emotions, your own and other people's.  The feelings that emerge, sadness, fear, and anger, are the most uncomfortable of our emotional repertoire.  Generations of humans have not learned to deal well with these particular feelings.  As children, when they  show up, we're urged by well-meaning adults to "cheer up," "be brave," and "calm down."  (One EQ trainer I've worked with likes to quote an old family saying, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!")  So we learn to suppress, change or hide these "bad" feelings, rather than understand them and use the information they contain.

Emotional hijack
But humans are emotional beings and we don't stop being human when we get to work.  Like it or not, feelings are going to come up, sometimes in unexpected ways.  The thinking part of our brain (the neo-cortex) functions poorly when we're in the grip of emotion.  The "fight or flight" portion of our brain (the amygdala) has control.  (Emotional intelligence theory labels this "emotional hijack.")

So when you're delivering bad news to employees (or anyone else) you need to be sensitive to the emotions.  Logic, alone, won't work.  People aren't thinking clearly; their brains won't let them.

Good grief!
When bad news hits, a person goes through a process that's similar to the grieving process. The intensity will vary with the individual and the situation - "No bonus this year" is a lot less intense than "The plant is closing."  But a form of grieving takes place whenever there is change.  In her studies of grief, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross observed five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

As a manager communicating news that will mean a big change for your employees, you can expect them to experience these feelings and behaviours as they try to process the information andwork through their feelings.  Only after they work through the first four will they get to acceptance.

• Denial:  Employees believe the news isn't true or won't affect them.  Help them by providing information.
• Anger:  Employees feel wronged and may want to retaliate. Tears may signify the frustration of unexpressed anger, not sadness.  Help by listening and finding ways they can redirect their energy towards something useful.
• Bargaining:  Employees will try to make deals to prevent the unwanted event. Guard against encouraging false hopes.
• Depression:  If employees exhibit signs of depression, listen and empathize - and encourage them to take advantage of any counselling available.
• Acceptance:  It may take time for employees to reach this stage.  Help throughout the process by making yourself available to talk about the feelings and the facts of the situation.

Since most people are unaccustomed to discussing their feelings, especially at work, you'll probably have to "go first" when it comes to sharing feelings.  Admit that you're uncomfortable but you recognize that there are feelings associated with the news and they are as important as the facts.  Invite employees to talk about how they feel.  Chances are good that if you talk as one human to another, rather than defending the decision or just stating the facts, you'll build trust as you move forward. 

Living Without TV

Once upon a time, I was a television reviewer for a daily newspaper.  I was given this gig because I'd spent several years in TV news and, presumably, knew something about the medium.  I had a daily column and several large pages a week to fill as I saw fit. 

Networks sent me videos to enjoy, commercial-free, in the comfort of the newsroom.  (If you've seen a newsroom, you'll know that's hardly "comfort," but that's another story.)  I got  to interview stars and star wannabes.  I actually touched Miss Piggy.  I got to write cheeky columns about beauty pageants and awards shows, and thoughtful pieces about good programming and the people who create it.

In those days, I lived and breathed TV.  Now I don't even own one.  And I don't miss it at all.

I'd love to say I'm living this way for scientific research or my PhD thesis, but my tube-less status is purely accidental.  Our old Sony wasn't worth dragging on an international move and I just haven't bothered to buy another.  I find other things to do.  I read.  I sing.  I bake.  I blog.  And today I discovered a piece of information that may just keep me this way forever.

Nine years and counting
According to the A.C. Nielsen Co., the average American watches more than four hours of television each day.  Several European countries are right up there with them.  That's 28 hours a week, or two months a year.  If that average person reaches 65, he or she will have spent nine years glued to the tube.  That scares me, especially when you consider there'll be about a year of drug commercials.

Given my age and life expectancy, I'll probably regain five years by not watching television.  Yowza!  That's a nice chunk of time.  I could do all the things I need to do and a whole lot of the things I want to do.  I could realize my dream to turn my "To Do" list into a "Ta Da!" list.

What would five extra years do for you?

You might ask, "What's this got to do with emotionally intelligent communication?"  Maybe nothing.  Or maybe it's a reminder that life provides us with just so much time to be the creative and amazing creatures we were born to be.  When our focus is on the tube - even good programming - we miss the opportunity to engage with the world, with ourselves, or with the moment. 

On my first day at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, my boss (a wise producer named Trina McQueen) said that what sets TV apart from other media is its ability show emotion. Twenty-five years later, while I know she was correct at the time, I don't believe TV does that job responsibly.  It uses emotion in contrived and inauthentic ways.  News has become "infotainment."  Scheming, squabbling and just plain ignorance pass for "reality TV."  Opinion poses as truth.  Leadership is judged by the quality of "sound bites."  And our view of the world is framed by CNN.

As a TV writer, I used to encourage people to demand better - from the networks, sponsors, and producers.  Today, I encourage you to take back your time. You've got more intelligent things to do with all those years.

Your Most Critical Communication - Self-Talk

I'll admit it. I talk to myself.  I, you, and billions of other humans, have lively internal dialogues taking place nearly all the time.  It's as if we have invisible companions whispering in our ears in all our waking moments.  When we talk to ourselves, repeating and re-repeating messages, we are like hypnotists making suggestions to our subconscious minds.  What are you programming your mind to believe? 

What do you say when you talk to yourself?  If you're like most people, it's usually not along the lines of, "Wow. That was great. I'm really learning something here."  It's more likely to come in the form of a judgment. 

• "Ouch. That was so stupid."
• "You are such a loser."
• "You just can't do anything right."
• "This is never going to work."

Originally, we may have heard these or similar statements from others, who were trying to help us by making us conform or improve, or hurt us by pointing out our flaws.  But today, the voice that carries the "No!" message is our own.

Perhaps the most important messages you will ever communicate are the ones you send to yourself.  After all, what we believe influences our actions and, ultimately, our lives.

In the sports world, research has suggested that self-talk has a significant impact on athletic performance.  I've paddled on teams that, based on our physical condition, should have been eliminated in the first heats.  But, as a team, we won the psychological race against our nay-saying inner gremlins, and that took us to the finals on the water.

As a singer and public speaker, I've seen similar results in my performance when my self-talk sounds like, "I'm well prepared," "I'm ready," and "This is going to be fun."

Over the past few months, I've been working to stop sending myself negative messages in my life and my business.  I'm trying to erase years of programming and replace it with thoughts that will help me.  When that gremlin in my head starts whispering ideas that don't serve me, I take a moment to acknowledge the thought and ask, "Is this true?"  Then I look at the evidince, which is usually nonexistent or, at best, circumstantial. 

This process hasn't made me an enlightened being, but I have lightened up.  Without the nagging, doubting, negative messages from my nay-saying inner voice, I can put something more positive into my head, for example, the truth of the situation.  And my brain has the intellectual and emotional clarity to make better decisions.

So how do we reprogram ourselves?  I've heard a few people suggest wearing an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it (Ouch!) every time you have a negative thought.  I seem to be able to shut the negative argument off without the pain.  I think about the pleasure of being able to work with a functioning brain, one not cluttered with fictional tales that send me back to a mythical territory of strife, struggle, bad luck, and bad hair days. 

Some people claim that simply saying positive words can make a difference, whether or not you believe them. For me, replacing negative self-talk doesn't mean chanting empty phrases, such as "My greatness is amazing," or " I'm a money magnet."  It means substituting a positive idea the mind can accept as possible, if not already true, such as, "I'm discovering greatness in me," and "I offer services people value and pay for."  Some motivational speakers might accuse me of "playing small" with this tactic, but at least I'm playing.

Positive self-talk means:

• You build a better relationship with yourself when you ease up on the negative self-talk and substitute positive messages.  Why would it be any different from a relationship with someone else?  We prefer to be with folks who make us feel good, not those who consistently tear us down. 
• You change your mental environment when you inject positive, believable thoughts.  You just cannot stay in Loserville when your brain is willing to entertain that there might be something fabulous about you.  (Dare I say "great"?)
• You communicate more effectively with other people when you're feeling better about yourself.  Plus you're thinking clearly when the inner voice isn't shouting abuse at you.  You may actually be a nicer person.

So how should we talk to ourselves?  My reading suggests the following key elements.

• Make it a habit to notice when the "No" voice is talking to you.  (You might even thank it for its input and tell it you'll consider the matter later.)
• Examine the facts of the case.  What is really true?  Turn that into a statement.
• Start the talk with "I," not "you."  This lets your brain know you are in control of yourself.
• Use the present tense - "I am" and "I do" and "I have."  (Evidently, if you speak of positive things happening in the future, that programming leads your brain to keep them in the future.)

So talk to yourself.  And enjoy the conversation.  It may just lead you somewhere interesting - like precisely where you are trying to go.